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Catherine Ann x

Sunday, 8 June 2014

No Man's Land

It’s Sunday night, about twelve hours before my next exam, and I am… writing a blog post.
I’ve sat three Leaving Cert exams so far, and will sit the remaining seven over the next four days (no, I’m fine).

In the time before the exams, I completely switch off and I don’t know why. I feel like I’ve tried so hard and put in so much effort for the past two years that my brain is at full capacity, exhausted. I can’t concentrate any more.

I suppose, though, at this stage, what’s done is done. I’m not going to learn any more maths in the next four hours. I’ve got my flash cards, I’ve got my notes all highlighted, I have enough Irish in my head—hopefully—to get me through.

It’s an odd feeling of helplessness and inbetween-ness at the moment. There’s nothing I can do about English papers one and two right now—they’re in a sealed enveloped waiting to be corrected and to decide if I get the A that I really need. There’s nothing more I can do about it now: there’s no such thing as reading over my notes one more time, let alone reading over and editing.

It was the same feeling after finishing my Irish and French orals—first delight and relief, then the realisation that I’d done something totally irreversible and irreparable.

I need to get two A’s and 3 B’s in total to get the place I want at University. The subjects I might be able to get an A in are French, History, English and Business Studies. I was pleased with the results from my mocks, but it’s very hard to push up that extra few per cent to 85. I think especially with English, so much of it can depend on the person who’s marking the paper—not that I’m planning on blaming them! Well… maybe a bit.

I think it’s such a huge anti-climax that two years of work culminates in just a few hours of exams. In English, we—well, those of us who weren’t relying on Heaney—studied the works of between five and six poets, only to answer a question on one on the day. While I was delighted Emily Dickinson came up, it was a bit of a strange feeling that I would never get to use the knowledge I’d gained of Seamus Heaney—who, you’ll know if you’ve been on the internet in the past week, didn’t come up, Philip Larkin, Thomas Kinsella and WB Yeats.

This is just an example, of course. Knowing you could have got away with just studying a single topic makes for somewhat of an anti-climax.

I feel totally out of control right now. There is literally nothing more I can do now… and that’s really, really scary. That’s why this blog post probably reads really poorly—I’m distracted and very, very bleh. That’s a thing, right?

Meanwhile, I know I’m going to have to keep busy this summer while I feel even more helpless waiting for my results.

I’m going to be working on my new website, which is really exciting. I’m currently compiling a survey so I can decide what I, and you, want it to be. I’m also going to be taking hundreds of photographs. I’ll also need to design a banner for the site, I think. Which means it will need a name!

Getting prepared for college is going to be agonising when I won’t even know where I’m going. I am, however, going to be making all sorts of lists as well as customising/upcycling/collecting some new clothes to take with me. That means you guys can look forward to some craft posts!

I’ll be spending as much time as I can with my best friends and family, but I’ll also be taking some alone time. I want to figure out who I am, sans-leaving cert.

I’ve also compiled a summer watch and read list, which I can’t wait to add to and take from. First stop: Game of Thrones!

There’s a ton of other stuff too, and I can’t wait to share it with you.

For now, let’s hope I get to sleep tonight! And if you read this poorly-put-together and unedited post, I'm sorry. xxx 

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